24 June 2010
According to our inside man, the United States has formed a coalition to end the World Cup early after North Korea shocked the world through defeating Brazil 2:1 and Portugal 10:7. These results have so surprised the western world and shown that through group effort and community and sacrifice, the most powerful country in the world can prevail over the coalition of capitalistic tyrannies. As a result, the third match for the brave North Korean Champions will not be televised.
MLS Rumors Rumors will be hot on the trail of truth in this regard.
Breaking update: Although the World Cup has been cancelled, a team of South Korean imposters donned North Korean uniforms and played a match, pretending to be our heroic team. The North Korean Federation protests this deception vigorously and condemns the captalist totalitarianism at fault. We only support the people's choice of football teams and the clear winner of the World Cup before cancellation was the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea.
22 June 2010
21 June 2010
We have all grown to love or hate the infamous horns of South Africa, the vuvuzelas. These noisemaking devices are loud and pervasive at this World Cup and are now causing a stir amongst the MLS teams. Some front office staffers are gung-ho about bringing the horns to the US for MLS matches, whilst others are rather lukewarm about the idea.
Spokespersons for FC Dallas speaking in confidence and anonymity said:
”We can get a couple guys playing one of them into the stadium and for the TV audience it makes it seem that we have fans.”
For others such as the Colorado Rapids, the front office appears to be less enthusiastic:
”We don’t want them here. They make noise. They upset people. They bring the kind of atmosphere you would expect at a rock concert. We struggle mightily to maintain our Christian Tennis Match atmosphere and we don’t want it ruined by some devil-inspired troublemakers with loud horns.”
Seattle Sounders FC spokesperson:
”Well, we invented the darn horns. Those South Africans had never seen or heard a Vuvuzela before we came along. We’ve had them forever.”
”We would welcome the vuvuzelas to our fair stadium. Then we could have them drown out those damn Mexican Horns those Latinos use. What? How could anyone take offense to that statement?”
The DC United front office was unaware of the vuvuzela issue: When asked about the possibility of vuvuzelas coming to MLS, United President Kevin "KP" Payne replied:
"Vuvu-whatnow? Never heard of him - is he Brazilian? I think we can come up with a second DP slot - do you know who his agent is?"
Toronto FC was not only in favor of the vuvuzela but actually had this to say:
”We believe to represent the proper amount of cultural diversity in our stadium, we will require every fan to be issued a vuvuzela. This will be in addition to their regular horns, kilt, wedge of brie, curry and rice, jerk chicken, red coats, shamrocks, chopsticks, and native headdress.”
A rumor out of Bridgeview is that the Chicago front office likes the idea:
”Hearing those droning horns from South Africa reminds me of the droning single song coming out of Section 8. One song is all you ever need.”
According to fans that actually know there is a team in Kansas, the team is ok with them:
”Afterall, the Florida Marlins gave them away in a recent promotion. If it is good enough for baseball, then it is good enough for Kansas.”
Real Salt Lake front office warmed up to the idea after it was pointed out that they sounded like the Horn of the Angel Gabriel.
New England’s front office is mixed about the horns and is willing to give them a shot but only in half of the stadium.
”We will not have vuvuzelas in our stadium! They have been found to be drug paraphernalia after some fans made a water pipe out of it.”was the official word from the Portland front office.
In a bizarre twist, the Vancouver front office is actually in favor of them for the exact same reason:
Yeah, man, we're, like, totally gonna have vuvubonga day, eh? Like, first 10,000 righteous brahs get a free vuvubonga! It's gonna be killer, eh?
San Jose’s front office would require strict rules of possession for any vuvuzelas used in the stadium. According to the official release:
”All owners have sole possession of the vuvuzela. This is a non-transferable ownership and the vuvuzela will remain with the original purchaser in perpetuity. The vuvuzelas will be kept at Buck Shaw Stadium grounds until such time as the Earthquakes re-locate to a new home with the Bay Area. At no time with the vuvuzela be allowed to re-locate from the Earthquake’s stadium to any areas outside the Bay Area. In the unlikely event of the re-location happening outside the Bay Area, all vuvuzela history will remain in the Bay Area.”
When reached for comment in their Austrian headquarters, the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey front office said only:
”We think the vuvuzelas could finally break the non-official supporters groups and allow our fans to truly enjoy the Red Bulls experience in the most Red Bully way possible.”
Philadelphia’s front office was testing the idea to find out the maximum range and damage of said vuvuzelas before allowing them into the stadium.
Columbus’ front office refused to allow the vuvuzelas, noting that it has not yet been demonstrated that they are “hard”.
Chivas USA’s front office has taken the approach of excluding the horns because they represent Northern Aggression against Latinos.
LA Galaxy has adopted the vuvuzelas because with the popularity of the World Cup, it is clear that all Superclubs in the future will have them.
MLS supremo and general nice guy Don Garber could not be reached at his luxury resort in Atlantic City for comment.